Accepting Myself

Me circa 1960

Why can't we accept ourselves and each other for who we are right now (far from perfection, yet each with our own individual strengths)? Why can't we each use our inherent and learned strengths to help us grow and support others in their growth?  Where did we get the idea that ongoing analysis which results in comparison and criticism (which are as common as oxygen molecules in the air we breathe) will help us and others change for the better? Criticism, even when the word "constructive" is added to it, is still criticism.

None of us is exactly who we were yesterday and tomorrow none of us will be exactly who we are today, yet there are some things about each of us that are who we are since before we were born and will make up the essence of who we are until we die.  Why can we not positively accept our own uniqueness as individuals and then rejoice and celebrate our diversity as a society and thus benefit from what each person brings to our own human community?

Before I can choose my life, I have to accept the reality of my life as it is and embrace the truth of who I am.  Do I objectively know who I am and what my strengths are?  Do I understand what uniqueness I bring to every situation and every relationship and every group?  Or will I simply accept the analysis, comparison and criticism of others as that which defines (and often limits) me?  It takes work and an internal integrity to be able to see through the surface issues and the often unsolicited and negative views of others to see and accept myself for who I am.

I Am Not A Victim

I was adopted before my birth, by an amazing couple. My mom (through adoption) had given birth to a son 15 years previously and a daughter 12 years before I was adopted, but when she ended her first marriage she could not take care of two young children and thus gave her son to an older couple for adoption. My dad (through adoption) was her second husband, so when the opportunity arose to adopt a baby, she jumped at the chance. A few months later they got me! Whenever it was that my parents told me that I was adopted, I'm not sure. I simply remember that I can't remember a time that I didn't know I was adopted and I never once had any negative feelings about being adopted. In fact, I believed that being adopted made me special. My mom used to tell the story that she had to pull me aside one day and share with me that though she was glad I was excited about being adopted, I didn't need to tell everyone. Apparently, I would go up to anyone and say something like, "Hi, I'm adopted." I wouldn't come to understand until my teenage years that I had been adopting into a not well-to-do family. In fact, as the years went by, I came to learn just how many difficulties and disadvantages my parents faced, both in their pasts and their present. But one thing I never once felt from them was that they, or we, were victims, no matter what challenges they, or we, faced. There simply was no time to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves or time wasted wishing we got better breaks. Instead, the challenges and setbacks were accepted as part of life and we, (really they), would press on. We were never victims of what others did to us or victims of fate or an angry deity. I learned that life happens, sometimes in ways that are painful and even hurtful, and that what you did was figure out how you were going to respond and then get busy. We can't always choose what happens in life, but we have complete control of how we respond. I learned this from my adopted parents, John and Alice Felushko. They may never have realized how much, and at what a fundamental level, they have impacted every day of my life. I understood from a very young age that I was never a victim, because I always have choice. They taught me that I have complete control over what I choose to do and that I must accept responsibility for my choices. They taught me this, not so much with their words, but almost entirely by their day-to-day lives. And for that reason (and many more) I will be eternally grateful that, sight unseen, John and Alice Felushko adopted me!

What is Intentional Living?

In this blog, my desire is to personally explore, and to share with others, how to be more proactive when it comes to daily life, rather than predominantly reactive. At its heart, Intentional Living is about taking responsibility for myself and the choices I make. Intentional Living is about living with integrity with respect to the values I have chosen to embrace. Almost 35 years ago, I chose to follow Jesus (i.e., to be a Christian) so that his teachings provide the context for my life decisions. However,I believe my blog will be useful regardless of whatever faith choices a person has made, since the principles and practices of Intentional Living apply regardless of the values we have embraced. I invite you to join with me in striving to live well by being thoughtful and purposeful.